Trigeminal Neuralgia is a thief. Out of all of the diseases I battle, Trigeminal Neuralgia is the biggest jerk I've ever met because it makes it hard to smile and has forever changed my dimpley, sweet smile.
Beneath the surface: My face is stiff from Botox treatments, swollen from steroids and it's just not what it used to be because TN sucks. 3 years ago I had a radiation surgery that "fried" my Trigeminal Nerve and I'm pretty sure that also altered my appearance. It feels different to smile... forced, uncomfortable and unnatural. Sometimes people don't recognize me and it's embarrassing. Sometimes people make comments like "Your so much prettier when you smile" and it hurts. Although the treatments for this disease have changed my appearance I'm super thankful because on most days I'm in a lot less pain. But tonight things are very bad and I don't feel like myself: in fact I feel pretty "Dark and twisty". You see I've been trying to kick this pain in the left side of my face for the past 6 hours. I'm exhausted but it feels like my face and jaw are being electrocuted so I'm wide awake. I've tried multiple medications including muscle relaxers, anti inflammatories and opiates. I've tried essential oils, pain salves, CBD, ice, heat and the list goes on. I've tried to distract myself with art projects, making care packages for others, watching movies, etc and nothing has helped... its 3 am and I'm starting to panic. What if I can't sleep at all? What if the pain gets worse and I need to go to the ER? Who will take me? Will the Dr be compassionate or asshole? Currently I can barely open my jaw, I'm unable to brush my teeth, eat/ drink and I'm insanely nauseous from the pain. I'm tired. I want to sleep. My face hurts. I cannot cry because that will make it worse but I'm starting to panic... This is a lot for anyone to stress about at 3 am and although it's not "fun" it's become my job because I'm 30 and stuck on permanent disability. I just really miss my cute face. I might not smile the same as I did at 16 but these disease has made me resilient and for that I'm thankful. Written by Sarah Wheeler April 24th, 2018 |
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