*I think you should stay: I promise it gets easier once you decide to get help- I promise you can heal from the darkness.*
There once was a girl whose life fell apart over and over and over until one day on her 19th Birthday she decided she really couldn't take the pain of all the endings so she got a bunch of pills, her favorite drink to swallow them with and her pillow and teddy bear and went to be alone and die. On the way to the location she had decided on she passed her Mom in her car and took it as a sign that her Mom didn't notice her so she kept on with her plan and tried to kill herself on her very own Birthday. That girl was me. There were lots of reasons why this happened but basically I was trying to kill the pain in both my body but especially my mind: my physical pain tortured my mind. I texted a friend to say goodbye as I drifted off to what I hoped was forever sleep and my friend ended up finding me and getting me help. I remember the EMTs making me drink charcoal in the ambulance and I kept spitting it out. When we got to the hospital I realized how badly I had wounded my family. I remember my sister who I always had a difficult relationship with came to the hospital and I was pretty surprised that she was there. Despite realizing that I hurt my friends and family my pain was a lot deeper than my desire not to hurt the people I loved: I actually ended up attempting suicide at least 5 other times over the next 8 years (I don't care to count how many times I attempted because it's really sad to me) My mental health was really up and down for awhile and then it got really bad until I was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I think the worst part of BPD was how I'd be happy and one tiny thing would flip my mood and make me decide I wanted to die. All of these symptoms were heartbreaking for my family and really embarrassing to me: so embarrassing that I didn't want to own my mental illnesses which prevented me from healing. If you can't admit you have a mental health problem it's not really possible to get better from it. I was hesitant to admit I was mentally unstable because there is a ton of stigma surrounded by mental illness, especially BPD. The #1 thing people with borderline are called is narcissistic and if you get to know me you know that although I'm overly sensitive I'm extremely kind and thoughtful. Eventually I decided to go to a DBSA*** meeting (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) because my Mom was going to the meeting for friends/ family members of people who have mental illnesses. She went for 2 years before I finally caved and went to the patient meeting: I was mortified that she went to these meetings because of ME. But DBSA was what turned everything around for me because I finally admitted I was not ok and that I wanted to get better. For years before I did DBT*, COG** and private therapy but they didn't really help because I didn't really want the help. I'm happy to say that I don't have any Borderline symptoms at all anymore except that I'm pretty sensitive and I haven't attempted suicide or been inpatient psych since 2015. I also don't require regular therapy anymore but I still keep up with my Psychiatrist and am on an antidepressant and a sleeping medication. If you are struggling please don't hesitate to reach out and if you know someone who is mentally struggling please don't judge them but lovingly guide them to resources. I believe by sharing our stories we can end the stigma associated with mental illnesses so in the future people struggling won't be afraid to get therapy or go to a support group. 💕Rest in peace Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade 💕 *DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a set of skills that center around mindfulness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance: this therapy is especially beneficial for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. **COG or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a treatment method designed to shift faulty thoughts and behaviors to healthier ways to deal with problems and stress. *** DBSA stands for Depression Bipolar Support Alliance: it is a support group made for both patients as well as friends and family members of people impacted by mental health issues. To see if there are meetings in your city simply Google "DBSA" along with the name of your city or region. - Written by Sarah Wheeler |
Categories
All
|