Something that I pride myself on being able to do is pull off the near constant smile, the always laughing, and always trying to find the humor in things; Even more so with multiple chronic illnesses. About two weeks ago I met with my electrophysiologist. He is such a wonderful physician and listens to me and I enjoy our visits. We were doing a follow up with my medicine to see how we are doing with the heart rate control. Not great, the extended release is wearing off by mid afternoon and my insurance company hasn’t approved the new medicine yet. He told me he doesn’t get angry a lot, but when a patient needs something and has failed everything else and they are continuing to give him the run around he gets upset and angry. He was visibly upset with this and he apologized. I just shrugged it off. I know how insurances are. Being a nurse you get to advocate for your patients and sometimes that means making that dreaded phone call to the insurance company. I know the process, I’ve done the process, and I’ve waited with the patient eagerly checking email after email and letter after letter. He told me that he couldn’t believe that I could still be so happy, still smiling and laughing and so understanding with everything I’m going through. I told him I don’t have a choice. It’s not anyone’s fault that I’m sick. Being mad or upset isn’t going to change the fact that there isn’t a cure for any of my multiple conditions. I can’t place blame on anyone or anything. But let me let y’all in on a little secret: I’m absolutely angry, frustrated, wanting to cry with every breath, wanting to shut everyone and everything out. I can’t help it. I try so hard not to let it show, but as anyone with a chronic illness knows sometimes it just gets to you. You have to have your pity party, eat ice cream, watch your favorite movies, cry in the shower, and scream into a pillow. You have to let it out. You just have to. It’s one of my secrets to be able to control myself the way I do with the smiling and humor. I used to just pour myself into work and let it out that way, but I haven’t been able to work since July of 2017. It just isn’t an option anymore. I’ve had to just learn to take what I’m feeling, let myself have a little pity party, and move on past it. Even though the life we live may not have the best quality, we still have to make the most of it. Life is too short to stay angry all the time and try to find someone or something to blame. So take time for your pity parties. They are okay to have! We are warriors and we have to do what warriors do. Keep fighting.
-By Savannah |
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