Christmas and mental health pain often go hand and hand.
As someone who has fought for her mental health for the last 15 years I have had good years and hard years... but when Christmas comes a big pang of pain and hate usually swoops in. I didn't realize I experience PTSD from my father's passing when I was just eight years old until I described to a mental health professional how triggering certain things surrounding Christmas were to me. However the cycle of sadness and tears didn't go away just because someone told me my aversions and flashbacks to things I saw were an example of PTSD My dad, my brother and I spent winter break in 1996 doing fun things that I listed in my creative writing journal at school. (Which is why I remember what we did) But on Christmas day my Dad started crying and pretty soon got so upset he left in the middle of opening gifts. That was the last time I saw him. I was so sad and my eight year old self laid under the tree and stared up at the colorful lights as I held and talked to my new doll about things I was too young to understand. I loved my Dad so much and I'd never seen him cry like that any other time. He had Type 1 Diabetes and he wasn't it managing very well. And at some point, a day or two after that Christmas he had a major heart attack and died. I don't remember Christmas making me feel so sad again until I was an adult. Then an adult I started to remember things I experienced after his death. One thing specifically is colored lights on trees and lights on bridges. I remember our neighbors driving my brother and me home from the funeral home to play some games while we waited for my mom to finish at the funeral house. The car was so quiet despite our sweet neighbors trying to strike up some happy conversation. I remained quiet as I zoned out at the sights outside the window. The lights on the bridges all blurred into one and is the main thing I remember of the drive home. It took a lot of time in my life to decompress from the most painful event in my life. It wasn't until I was an adult that things I remembered started causing me pain. It hurt me most that my dad was so sad and I imagine that a major heart attack along with a broken heart were just too heavy for him to survive. On Christmas 2019 I ate my way through my sadness. I did put up my tree but I spent a lot of time eating my feelings, crying and being alone. I gained 20 pounds last Christmas. I wish I could tell you I "just decided to feel different about Christmas" and that it worked. The truth is Covid 19 has taken a lot more out of me mental health wise than I could ever imagine it would. On Instagram people I followed were putting up Christmas trees earlier than ever. Christmas means home, warmth and love for a lot of people. For me it also means the celebration of the birth of Christ. My mom was shocked one day in the beginning of November this year to find my tree already up. Something in me made me want that warmth of Christmas too. I even looked at outdoor lights but didn't buy them because they were too expensive. I moved my tree to my window in hopes others might feel the warmth too. And today I found two sets of lights on sale! I was thinking I needed my brother to help me put them up... but at 10pm I found myself outside in my socks on a stool putting up those lights up. I know its ok to be sad when you lose someone. I've met so many other people who have so much pain themselves surrounding the holiday. The "I hate Christmas club" is a club I don't want to own anymore. This year I knew I couldn't go through sadness of years prior when so much is making me sad as it is. So, I've proudly embraced the holiday and every single Christmas thing I've done this year I have done with the thought of my sweet dad. Today I also decided to make three Christmas care packages for kids with T1D in honor of my dad through my charity The Happy Package Project. For the first time in years my little tree makes my heart smile and the lights around my door make me proud. I don't know if this is healing or just desperation for normalcy after the most abnormal year ever. I can't promise I'll feel joy all season or for every year after this one. I do know I didn't cry while writing this story... a story about the greatest pain of my life. I know it's okay to cry if I need too, I hope this season makes your home warm and that you feel emotionally healthy know for a lot of people the pain trumps everything, and for those of us who still suffer I hope you can claim one piece of the season that makes you feel whole again. In loving memory of my father Clifford F Wheeler. |
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